Blowjobs Myths

Social Context for Blowjobs

I'm writing to a heterosexual female audience in committed relationships of some sort. Again, if you're a gay man, I can't help you. I'm not saying the tips here definitely will not help you, I'm just saying any help you get from them will be accidental. Likewise, if you're a straight female involved in a lot of one-night stands and such, you don't need to be here. If you're just hooking up with a guy and you want to go down on him, he won't complain no matter how bad your technique is!

So I'm basically writing to the wife who's always been afraid to give head but now is starting to consider it and just doesn't know what to do, the girlfriend who loves giving her boyfriend blowjobs but, due to his uncommunicative nature, isn't too sure that she's doing it "right."

Two Kinds of Blowjobs

There are basically two kinds of "good" blowjobs: slow ones and quick ones. Why does this sound familiar to you, even though other "fellatio tips" sites don't mention it? Because in a lot of ways, fellatio is like other sex acts, including vaginal intercourse. Sexually active people all know nice, slow lovemaking. It's sweet, it's a deep experience, it's a connection. There's also the highly overrated but sometimes just-hitting-the-right-spot quickie. It's the same for blowjobs. Sometimes it's nice to have a "quickie" blowjob. Sometimes the slow "lovemaking" is good, too.

The "Quickie"

Before I continue, let me explain a couple of things. First of all, the "quickie" should not be overused. If you do this a lot, your guy may get the impression you're more interested in getting him off quickly than really pleasing him. That brings me to the second issue. Up until this point I've talked a lot about context and not a lot about technique--this is intentional. The one biggest mistake women (and a lot of these other websites) make is being too concerned with technique and not enough with context.

When giving a "quickie" blowjob, there are several things you should do. Do use your hand. Use lots of hand, no throat. 90% of the time, though (especially towards the end), your mouth should be on his penis, even if it's just covering the tip. Essentially, you should be thinking of it as a handjob (hence the use of the hand), but he should be thinking of it as a blowjob (hence the mouth almost always on him). Be rapid in your movements and try to get him off as quickly as possible. Believe me, he will think this is a lot more special than just jerking off, even though it's the same motions... the context makes it good.

There are several things to avoid with the "quickie," as well; and these are true for any blowjob you give: avoid doing it as a favor, in order to get him to do something, in order to get him to give you something, in order to stop him from leaving, or to get him to stop concentrating on his work. If he's ignoring you, this is not the way to get his attention. Think about it from his standpoint: "I have a lot of work to do. I'm trying to concentrate. Why do I feel like she's doing this only to distract me? She's not really interested in pleasing me," or, worse yet, "Great. I don't even have to do anything for her. She just gives more head the more I ignore her." Don't think it's true? I've seen it happen many, many times. The woman gives and gives and gives (not just head, I'm talking everything in the relationship), thinking, "if I do enough for him, if I show him I love him, he'll change, he'll love me back." Nope. Jaded women will tell you; he's just taking advantage of you. If you're still giving when he's not giving anything back, you're not inspiring. You're reinforcing his bad behavior. He will continue to get something for nothing.

More on the "Biggest Mistake"

Before we go on to the "long, slow blowjob," think about the words "long" and "slow." They may be great words, but do not be scared of them just because they refer to your own "physical labor." This relates to that "biggest mistake" I was talking about earlier. Just as it's important for a man to think you're not using him or rewarding him for bad behavior, it's also important for a man to believe that you're genuinely out to please him. Enthusiasm is key . Any site, book, or person who tells you all about funky names for complicated techniques which twist the skin around his penis into all sorts of shapes who does not also tell you that enthusiasm is the most important thing is full of shit. I'm sorry, but it's true. You have to convey the message "I love you. I really care about you. I want to make you feel good. Just lay back, relax and enjoy."

Think of it as a gift. We generally give people gifts year-round... there are special occasions--christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, etc. Then there are just the times you see something in a store and think, "Oh, he'd just love that!" or you take him out to dinner (Yes, there should be those times. Any woman who insists that men must pay is not exercising her "empowered" right to choose a traditional role. She's upholding a detrimental and patriarchal double-standard). Blowjobs should be like gifts. You give generously, of your own free will, often enough but not too often, without being asked, and out of love. It is in this way of thinking that I encourage you to be giving enough blowjobs and often enough that your man never has to ask you for one. This is not the same as saying "give him one whenever he demands it." The point is, he should not have to demand, ask, plead or beg for one. At the same time, be reasonable... and make him be reasonable. I once read on a message board a woman saying she gave her husband a blowjob every morning before he went to work and swallowed. What happened? She was writing because he wouldn't give her head. Why would he? That's a woman who has no sense of her own worth.

Blowjobs are all about psychology, connection and relationships, not technique. How do I know this is true? What joy does a straight man get out of another man giving him the most fantastic blowjob ever, or a gay man out of a woman giving him the most fantastic blowjob ever? Or what joy does a man get out of jerking himself off? It's not the same as getting an enthusiastic blowjob from the woman he loves. And your enthusiasm should not merely be during the act itself. Read this article with your man there. You'll learn valuable tips and if he gets to see, he'll be encouraged that you're going out there and looking how to be a better lover and he can also tell you at which points he thinks i'm full of shit: "Oh no, oh no, honey. Most of the time this is right on the money, but that paragraph right there... I don't agree with that at all."

A Note on Reciprocity

Since we're talking so much about context, here, I've been writing on the assumption that you're out to please your man. I'm also working on the assumption that you're not the only one out there. If your guy is an asshole, don't give him head. Give him a suitcase and tell him to get the fuck out of your life! There should be reciprocity definitely and absolutely. Under no circumstances should you ever give a guy a blowjob if he's not willing to go down on you. There are several reasons for this. Historically, women have been the givers in heterosexual relationships. This is not a tradition that should continue. You may not realize this, but you hold the power. It's true. First of all, if you don't give a guy blowjobs, 99% of guys for whom this is true will ask, plead, beg, cajole for you to give them one. And if you give in, he will just be bitter that you were not more enthusiastic about it in the first place. Secondly, you need to make sure he goes down on you. If you don't go down on your man, he will be bitter; he won't be happy. What he won't do is take it sitting down. As I said before, he will beg you to go down on him. Most women, on the other hand, will merely accept the fact he doesn't "like the smell" or doesn't " do that ." Bullshit. I can't believe there are seventy-seven year-old women out there who've never had an orgasm. If you're ever with a guy who won't go down on you, kick him in the nuts and leave. Do not even bother yelling at him or explaining why you've broken up. He's a bastard. Every self-respecting straight man loves the smell, taste and texture of pussy. If you've found one who hasn't, there are at least four guys out there who love it for that one who doesn't. Go out and find one of those.

The Long, Slow Blowjob

There are two things you should keep in balance when giving a long, slow blowjob. You want to tease but you don't want to be a tease. Let me repeat that--you want to tease but you do not want to be a tease. Some women don't know the difference, honestly. Teasing means you want to arouse him as much as possible while also delaying his gratification as much as possible. Being a tease means you want to get him as aroused as possible and then leave him to suffer (As a side note, though, the myth of "blue balls" is exactly that--you should never be a tease, but being left teased is not as tragic as most guys make it out to be).

So the first thing you should do is reassure him in some way that you're in it for the long haul, that you're not going to start complaining in the middle of it that your hand hurts or your jaw hurts or whatever. You can tell him, "just relax. I'll take care of everything ," or "you know I love the way you taste," or "have you had a long day? I know what will make you feel better [Sidenote: he'd better do this for you, too... men aren't the only ones who have "long days"]." Whatever it is that makes him feel relaxed enough to enjoy it.

That said, let me dispell a myth here: blowjobs should never have to take a long time. They can. They can take a really long time... if you're not enthusiastic, not enthusiastic enough about learning how to give better blowjobs, or if your man is not relaxed. If he is not relaxed, he will never come, never. And why would he not be relaxed if someone's sucking his dick--same reasons we've discussed before: he thinks you're trying to distract him from something or you want something from him, he thinks you're doing it only out of obligation and you're not really interested in pleasing him, or he thinks you're doing this only to tease him and you're not really interested in getting him off. If he's relaxed, it can be very quick... and any longer you make it will be of your own design. For any doubters among you, ask your man how long it takes him to get off when he's masturbating. Anyone who says longer than five minutes is lying or way too into tantric sex. If he, boring right (or left) hand that he is, can get himself off in five minutes, how much more easily can a woman, enthusiastic enough, get him off, then? And how many times have you had the unpleasant experience of premature ejaculation with him?

Another way to relax him to make it "long" and "slow" is to avoid his penis. That's right. If you were doing a "quickie," you'd just dive right in there, unzip his pants, and start sucking and jerking him off. But if you're in for the long (time-wise) haul, then stay away from the penis. Tease him. As long as he's assured you'll get around to it eventually, teasing is a great feeling for him and it also greatly reduces the amount of sucking and manual labor time you'll have to devote to the blowjob (which, of course, isn't really a problem, because you're enthusiastic about it, right?). So, light candles, strip him slowly, lick him all over (except the pubic area), stroke him lightly with your fingers or a feather, play soft music, do just about anything without touching his dick . After you've done this for a while (and the longer you do it the less time it will take for him to come, trust me), stroke his penis slowly with your hand (contrary to public belief, you do not need lubricant for this). Keep stroking slowly in a steady motion. Eventually, put one (or two, depending on what you feel comfortable doing) of his balls in your mouth and be very, very gentle with them. Just put them in your mouth. Don't suck on them or lick them. The warmth alone should stimulate him. Then slowly lick up his shaft. Now, at this point, you can do any number of things. Some women like to deep throat. This does nothing for the man , unless he's really obsessed with the movie deep throat . Some women like to flick the tips of their tongues all over the penis. This is okay for the beginning... this is teasing behavior. You aren't getting him off by doing the flicking thing. Your mouth need envelope merely the top of his penis. Use your hand to do the work. Three things are necessary at this point:

1) Knowing how to give a handjob; if you don't know how, ask him to masturbate for you and watch him carefully. He will not refuse this request. Pay special attention to where and how tightly he grabs his shaft... this may differ as far as circumcised and uncircumcised guys go.

2) Being consistent. Do not suck really hard and for a long interval, then leave him hanging for some undetermined amount of time. Be mathematical if you have to, suck twice and then jerk him off three times without your mouth; then repeat. Your mouth needs to be constant but not continuous... in fact, if you simply keep your mouth on his penis, he will become slightly desensitized to it and it will backfire... you, meanwhile, will be left with a sore jaw.

3) Increase speed--do not decrease. You don't need to increase speed right away. You do not even need to increase by that much. The key thing here, though, is to go on faith: you've teased him enough, he's pretty close to coming, go all out... don't think about, "but if I go at this pace, i won't last more than three minutes." If you've given him a proper blowjob, following all the tips i've given you, he won't last more than three minutes! Do not, under any circumstances, slow down, though, once you've picked up the pace. If, for some reason, you are too tired and can't keep up the pace, ask him to finish himself off and say you'll suck him off towards the end. The guy is anxious to come, but he'd also like the assurance that you're still in it, still interested in participating, in pleasing him.

Random Notes

Everyone will tell you this but your teeth should never touch his dick.

Ask your guy if he likes "seductive looks." Most guys, I think, will view any looking at him during the act as a sign of your self-consciousness and a move to make him more self-conscious. Looking at him will not make him more relaxed. If you seem to enjoy what you're doing and you're really involved with and focused on his penis, he will not fault you for not looking at him. If you're going to do any looking, though, look at his penis. Admire it. He'll love that.

I've recommended that you touch him a lot and use your hand while blowing him. You don't need to do this, by any means, but if you're a self-avowed multi-tasker, anything you can do with your free hand will be much appreciated. You can touch him, stroke him, touch his balls, whatever.

Don't ask him questions during the blowjob. If you're doing things wrong, it doesn't matter at that moment . What matters at that moment is your enthusiasm. If you're really concerned about giving better blowjobs, ask him afterwards or beforehand what he likes, how you can be better... and read articles like this. then, keep those suggestions in mind for next time.

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Spitting or Swallowing: The Age-old Question

I don't know why this is the age-old question. Honestly, it seems to me that most women are more like, "let him come in my mouth, on me or on himself?" Most women, I think (correct me, if I'm wrong), if they are willing to let a man come in their mouths don't see what's so different about swallowing it, at that point. I mean, you've already tasted the stuff. It's already in you, and it's not going to get you pregnant. So the issue is really "can he come in your mouth?"

Now, I know the politically correct thing to say is that you should never do anything you're not comfortable doing. While this is true, and a man should never force you to do anything (side note: if a man ever shoves your head down to force you to give him a blowjob or says, "suck it, bitch," and you're not into some kinky dominance and submission thing, dump his ass right away; same goes for guys who think thrusting is cool while you're going down on them), I won't lie to you either: it makes a difference both psychologically and physically to a man whether you let him come in your mouth or not. Psychologically (which is really important--re: enthusiasm, the biggest mistake, etc.), he feels that if you're not letting him come in your mouth you're saying, "I reject you, I reject this part of you." You're saying "ew" to something he views as a part of himself. Men think of their penises as extensions of themselves. Some men even name their penises. Semen is not unhealthy, too fattening, and it will not get you pregnant.

Physically, it makes a difference, too. There's the warmth of your mouth, the intimacy of that sensitive part of your body (your lips, your tongue), and at the moment of climax, you're taking it away for essentially a mere handjob. How would you like it if a man went down on you and just as you were about to come, the man ducked his head back two feet, spitting and wiping his mouth while he fingered you to orgasm? While, for some women, fingering may feel just about the same as cunnilingus (they're both lubricated), the idea of having a man be repulsed by, and shrink back away from you the moment you climax is very demoralizing. Likewise for men, if you shrink back away from them when they're coming.

That said, a man should let you know when he's coming. Over time, you may develop a sense of when he will. If you do, if you can read those signs, insist that he not tell you... his not being self-conscious will make the experience more enjoyable and relaxing for him, and will make the work shorter for you (the enjoyable work, of course). I realize that many women complain about the taste of cum, say that it varies man to man or man's diet to man's diet. I've heard that pineapple juice is good and asparagus bad. Honestly, though, if a man centers his eating life around what makes his cum taste good, he may not be the healthiest man around. I would say if you're really squeamish, do everything in your power to make the man feel good in every other way (so that he has no right to complain) and just tell him his cum tastes awful. Or, if you're like Samantha from Sex and the City , make him taste his own damn cum. If he can swallow his own cum and say it doesn't bother him that much, then so can you. The trick is, though, that you have to follow through with the deal. I would say that if it only slightly turns you off, think of it merely as acquired taste. this is a man you're fairly committed to, especially if you're married. If you can acquire a taste for beer, coffee, olives, some exotic food (however you use the term "exotic"), then, if you truly love your man, you can at least try to acquire a taste for his cum.

What about safe sex? Well, the medical consensus seems to be that it's very unlikely (though possible) that you can contract HIV from giving a blowjob. You can definitely be an oral carrier for herpes or other venereal diseases. I have to say, though, vaginal intercourse with a condom really dulls things. It's still okay, and in most cases, necessary for survival. But as far as a blowjob with a condom goes... if you're not in a committed enough, long-term relationship to have both been tested and know you have no venereal diseases, don't give the guy a blowjob... if it's a meaningless relationship, leave it at that and just have lots of vaginal sex. If you want the guy to commit, all the more incentive for him if that means later on he'll get blowjobs.